fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize