Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize