totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Never underestimate the power of titties
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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