Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
