i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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