ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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