You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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