He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
