Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
