im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
