Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm eating all of the evidence.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
