Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
