he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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