My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
