Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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