She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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