I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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