I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
