I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
