I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
