I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
