Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
