She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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