That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
