I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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