pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
