"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
