PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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