It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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