Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
