I puked a lego.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
