Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
