please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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