my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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