Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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