I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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