it hurts more in the daytime
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
