the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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