dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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