Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize