filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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