apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
