Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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