I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
