the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
