No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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