I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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