i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
