the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
