When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
