Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
