I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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