You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
