Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
