What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
