walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
