It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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