If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
