Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
