So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
