Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
